“I am your biggest tool” and other strange things CDs and radio consultants say

Advising radio talent on how to improve their on-air appeal and ultimately boost their station’s bottom line is why Content Directors and radio consultants are paid the big bucks.

Many a pearl of wisdom has been uttered over the decades. So has the odd Chinese proverb.

There are endless tales of ‘weird things CDs said.’ Here are just a few examples from the Australian radio industry. No names. No pack drills.

One former high-profile announcer tells me the story of the CD who once strode into the office of a Drive time radio show and proceeded to tell him – along with three former football superstars – how to improve their on-air presentation, using the ‘law of diminishing returns’ as an example.

“He explained that beyond a certain point, adding more time, effort, or resources leads to a slower growth in output. And beyond that, it leads to negative gains.”

“He finished with a clap of his hands and a parting  ‘Now we all know what’s expected!’”

“This seemingly well-rehearsed yet clumsy and long-winded explanation of his observation left us all bemused.”

Amid much head shaking and sniggering, one of the team was heard to ask “What the f**k was that all about? Was he talking about our program?”

Then there is the story of the jocks’ meeting at a major cap city FM station, being run by a rather frustrated national CD who’d decided the members of on-air team weren’t pulling their weight.

One of the announcers who was at that meeting tells me “He put the entire station line-up on notice, saying ‘I’ve got a team of hungry jocks at Brisbane Airport ready to fly in and take your job now. I mean it! I’ve had enough.’”

Another former high-profile announcer reveals “A CD once said to me ‘I am your biggest tool.’”

“And he was.”

“Another said ‘Whatever you’re on, stay on it.’”

Then there’s the amusing tale of an announcer who emerged from an aircheck meeting in total disbelief after being told “Think of yourself landing an aeroplane. If your nose is 15%, just eeeease it back to 10%”!!”

Another announcer remembers “A CD walked into a post-show meeting, picked up a guitar in the corner and strummed and sang – tunelessly, I might add – ‘There’s a breakfast show in town going down, going down.’”

“I was flummoxed and my partner in crime was about to tear out this person’s epiglottis. Shitloads of $$$ doesn’t necessarily equate to being a quality human being.”

One radio industry veteran remembers being dragged over the coals by a CD for intentionally working late to claim overtime.

“He wasn’t having a bar of this petulance and demanded to know what I was doing working on into the night. I refused to answer.”

“Two days later it was revealed I was editing audio of his career for a surprise celebration of his 25 years at the station. Awkward.”

Kyle Sandilands recently told of how he eliminated the unsolicited advice of CDs from his life.

“What I said to the chiefs of programming was – bro, I’m actually better at this than you. Your claim to fame was a daytime announcer at a Canberra station rating fifth. I know more than you.”